Operation Irony
by SuperSockMonkey
Summary: Snake enters a humorous adventure, drama, and annoying problem during his secret mission. His radio's conked out. The irony: He can hear everything Zero, Para Medic, and Sigint can say, but he can't respond. Therefore, he can't remind him that he's alive. Enjoy! Many Laughs to you!
1. Biome Demise

_**Hello everyone. Five chapter story here, very short ones. I think you'll find it VERY funny, as I had a great time writing it with the occasional chuckle. This is an easy read, and an idea that I've had for quite some time. The concept of humorous betrayal and irony.**_

_**If you don't know Metal Gear, I think you'll understand this just fine anyway **_

_**Enjoy! Thank you for reading! Please comment. Not necessarily in that order. :)**_

_**_..._**_

Operation: Snake Eater ################### ################ #################

Time: ###### ###### #####

Location:######, ######, ####

Operative: Naked Snake ####### #######

CHAPTER 1: Biome Demise

Snake trudged through the thick mud and mush and water of the swamp. He was sure that squirrel went somewhere over here. It would be his dinner, after all he was losing stamina like a video game character. Russia. Swamps. Temperate Rainforest. Mountains. Caves.

For Snake, this wasn't his first pick of vacation spots. Snake hated this place. He frowned. Of course, he had already been frowning at the time, but somehow found a way to frown more. It reminded him of what mothers told their kids about making faces and it would be there forever. Snake found that as the actual truth a long time ago. He simply kept frowning. Para-Medic frequently reminded him to save her a packet of instant noodles and to keep changing camoflague.

Frankly, Snake was tired of changing camoflague.

Sigint hadn't called him since he first talked to him. He was probably was more worried that Snake himself would break his electronic toys during use, rather than teach him to use it.

But what made Snake cringe half of the time was that Major Zero wouldn't shut up. He kept phoning him unprofessionally to talk about James Bond. Snake had told him why he named himself 'Zero', but he couldn't remember why. Probably because he sounded like he should have been in James Bond.

/BleooopBleooop/ /BleooopBleooop/

"Snake? Are you there?" Major Zero asked, starting to panic.

Snake sighed, "Yes… Major…" he heard a gigantic sigh of relief.

"Ah, Snake, I was afraid that we had lost you!"

"Sir, I think you're forgetting that this is a stealth mission, not a worried-sick mother calling at her child's sleepover."

"Is that what you think of me?" The Major thought for a second, "A mother? I'm touched, Snake!"

"Sir, I'm alright!" He said with obvious annoyance. Snake kept moving through the mud pools, simply responding with automated answers like a phone call machine. The Major, sensing Snake's harsh tone, simply kept talking.

"If you're speaking in THAT tone, then I must remind you, soldier, that if we lose you, the world would be in peril, the Russians have an American black-ops agent's body, and I'll have a headache from paperwork!" The Major hung up. It wouldn't be long until he called back again. He wasn't sure if he could take another radio call. He gritted his teeth.

In mid-cringe, a crocodile slid from the vines and slithered into the thick monstrocity of slime-water. Snake grunted in an 'uh oh' sort of way. The slippery threat moved toward him with impeccable speed. He needed to run, and fast. Snake was already waist deep in the mud now. The path to drier lands was just ahead of him. Just… A Little… Farther…

It was then that another croc made a grand appearance on the path ahead of him. He stopped swimming, and was looking for another way out. The first croc was now at his heels. The second approaching in the way of his only exit. He could just see the yellowed teeth of his doom. He held his knife in hand; a desperate solution.

It was then, when he stood still, that he began to sink. Teeth and Sand.


	2. Where?

_**I couldn't help but laugh at the end of this one. It's been forever since I saw the gameplay, so if I forget any details about the game, forgive me. I've tried to make this a general story from what I remember.**_

_**Snake? SNAAAAAAKE! **____** What this story's about :D**_

_**Enjoy! Thank you for reading! Please comment. Not necessarily in that order.**_

_**_..._**_

CHAPTER 2 Where…?

Snake shut his eyes and flailed around in the surrounding sand. It was everywhere… No, it couldn't end, not this way…

Snake's last thoughts, he would never disclose to anyone.

But he wouldn't have to.

He was immobilized and frozen in sand, unable to move an inch. Until… his knees… he could move his feet and his legs! Then his waist, and his stomach… His lower body was suspended in air!

Until the rest of himself was freed and he fell down to the floor. He slammed to the ground and started coughing out the inhaled sand. The cave was completely dark.

ANOTHER cave. That fat guy with the creepy bees was probably going to make another appearance. Snake searched his ear for the radio piece. The Major needed to understand that he was only going to make a report when things like this happened. He pressed his outgoing button.

"Major, do you come in?"

Silence.

"Major!" Snake shook his radio. Sand. Wet, slimy, swampy sand oozed from within the radio.

"Great." Snake simply said. No para-medic to help. No Sigint with devices. No Major with a loud mouth. War was on the line, and all Snake could do was sit in total darkness. He had to of had a flashlight somewhere. He began searching his inventory when… a spark, a fuzzy spark of sound came in.

/BleooopBleooop/ /BleooopBleooop/

A familiar sound. The sound of an incoming call. The sound of an incoming call! Snake was so used to being disappointed in this sound that he almost dismissed it! The Major's voice came in crystal clear.

"Snake, I've been thinking about this mother and child business, and I believe that it was only you recognizing the type of friendly relationship, soldier to soldier, and I've decided that I'm rather touched by that remark." The Major waited for a response. Snake held the outgoing button.

"Major, I've fallen through a sandpit into some sort of cave system. Got any maps on the area?" But the Major didn't have any type of reaction.

"Snake, if you're playing the silent treatment on me, it's not all that funny."

"Major, don't you hear me?" The sand… it must have ruined the outgoing!

"Snake, come in."

Oh no.

"Snake?"

Here it comes.

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

There it was.


	3. Oh Noees!

_**A short chapter. Only because the next one has a lot of dialogue. Humorous dialogue.**_

_**Enjoy! Thank you for reading! Please comment. Not necessarily in that order. :)**_

_**_..._**_

CHAPTER 3. "Oh No"s!

"Ah… Um… Oh… Dear… Me…" There were going to be quite a few minutes of the blustering and babbling. Snake must have chucked the flashlight after it went dead. If he didn't have a light source, he'd have to make one. He had quite a few matches, but they wouldn't last long enough. He lit one of his famous cigars and held it like a holy torch. After surveying the three feet in front of him, he found a small branch. He took a spare bandana and wrapped it around the top. Behold, a make-shift torch.

The ceiling wasn't very high, but enough to stand up. The ceiling was made completely of sand. Compacted, aged, glued sand. However, the floor was rock, with a small, steady stream running through. Of course, ground water had hollowed this place out, just beneath the sand! There was, however, only one way out as far as Snake could see. One lonely tunnel guided water into the cave. The ticket out of here. Snake briefly smiled to himself, but didn't allow the pleasure to interrupt his duty.

Onwards. The first step into the tunnel went something like this:

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! DO YOU HEAR ME?" Major Zero cried.

Snake screamed in the agonizing volume of the voice. Amidst the silence, anything was loud. But think of it this way: Amidst a car wreck with a blaring radio, you could probably still have heard the Major's voice.

"GAH!" Snake clamped his ear and ripped the radio from his head.

"OH PLEASE ANSWER ME! Snake! Don't let it end like this!" The Major was in a frenzy. Next, from the radio, he heard Para-Medic.

"Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAKE!" Snake winced again from her wails.

"Please, Para-Medic, if I don't answer the first time-" It was like Snake was talking with himself. Then he heard Sigint.

"OH NO." Snake chuckled. He thought he heard sarcasm in that. What a big hoot he cared about Snake. While all of this occurred, he continued on his way up into the tunnel. He trudged through the knee-deep stream.

There's an awful lot of trudging through this story, isn't there?

Well, he trudged on.


	4. Confessions Out Loud

_**Oh the irony in this chapter!The backstab! It pained me to write it. Just kidding, that's the complete reason why I wrote this :) I hope you enjoy this one and continue reading! I appreciate your support!**_

_**Enjoy! Thank you for reading! Please comment. Not necessarily in that order. :)**_

_**_..._**_

CHAPTER 4: Confessions. Out Loud.

Farther up the path, the bandana-ed man heard his name a lot more of his name being yelled and screamed. His radio wasn't in his ear anymore, but at his side. He could still hear every word being screamed.

Snake wondered what would happen if he failed the mission. A time paradox, most likely.

While he wondered, he thought stream he was wading against was a bit… odd.

Several times, he thought he had felt something brush against his leg. But he guessed that's what rushing water can feel like sometimes. He had also doused the light. Along the stream, there were ledges on either side of him that grew fungus that glowed blues and greens and aquas. He was going to assume that was normal at the moment, like he always had. The screaming had stopped, which meant he could put the earpiece back on.

Meanwhile, the Major and his band of merry screamers had accidently left the radio on. He could hear every word they were saying. Whoops for them.

"Did you leave the channel Snake's radio was on?" Para-Medic.

"Yes…" Zero sighed, "I feel as though he can still hear us. That this is our last connection to his soul…"

"Hrm. How very philosophical of you." Sigint said without a trace of meaning to it in his voice.

"Shaddup." The Major snapped. Silence.

"Shaddup."

"But I didn't say-"

"You were about to." The Major humphed. Para-Medic cut in then.

"Well… now what?" Good question.

"Well I assume a time paradox." Sigint teased.

"AHEM. I take over the situation." Major Zero said.

"But you're already in charge of it." Para-Medic said.

"Ah. Hum. Well. Good point, that."

MEANWHILE back at the cave… Snake was now sure something was swirling around his leg. Something that was now comfortable with Snake, and was now nudging his kneecap. Also, the mushrooms seemed to sway as he walked by. But that could be the illusion of darkness, right? Ahah, right? Snake was starting to question his the strength of his mentality.

"Well, the thing is, Snake WAS our only last chance."

"Now we nuke the place, right?" Sigint sounded like he just found the opportunity to say that.

"He was a brave man…" the Major continued.

"But he let us down. The world's gonna end." Para-Medic reminded.

"Yeap. America's doomed. Russia's won. Wooo." Sigint cheered without enthusiasm.

"Oh come on now, man! Don't speak ill of the dead!" Major sounded disgusted, but a little wobbly with self-doubt.

"Come on, the world's gonna watch itself burn. Get a hold of yourself, soldier!" Sigint said.

"He has a point. Snake can go flounce and skip in daisies in Heaven. Meanwhile we have a war to end before it starts!" Para-Medic added. Silence. Snake was wearing the biggest frown of his life. He was coming close to Grumpy Cat. The Major "Hum"ed again.

"Hum. I guess he was kind of a jerk." The Major decided. "Never had a care about the world, so who was he to go and 'save' it?"

"Are we gonna nuke the armory?" Sigint was near-ready to fall out of his chair with childish excitement. "Game over, man, game over!"

"Hrm. It would still resolve in war."

"And…?" That Sigint…

"I just have one last thing to Snake before I make the call." The Major said.

Snake was waiting.

"I hope you were buried in a sandpit so you wouldn't endanger FoxHound."

That's half of the truth. Now if only Snake could tell him that. And chew his head off.

Snake saw something glisten in the illuminated fungal light. A… skull? No, more than that! There were several skulls and skeletons along the ledges, half hanging on, half in the water. These skeletons were stripped bare though, no skin, no tissue… odd… No doubt he was stepping on more like them in the water… Wait, these wore uniforms, ripped Russian Guard uniforms. More sorry chaps on patrol that fell down sand pits. He reached over and pulled a spare radio off of a body. But he wouldn't have enough time to turn it on.

Because something bit Snake's leg.


	5. Shut Up Already!

_**I don't know what gave me the idea of Snake's problem. I needed something to add adventure to carry out and finish the story. And to add a bit of peril. And what do we normally see in Metal Gear caves? Weird glowing mushrooms. Caves… anything can happen. I hope you liked my story, hope I amused you, and hope you liked the ending. That Major… the bumbling fool. XD**_

_**Enjoy! Thank you for reading! Please comment. Not necessarily in that order. :)**_

_**_..._**_

CHAPTER 5: SHUT UP ALREADY.

"AIEEEEEE!" Snake howled. He grabbed a ledge with mushrooms and pulled his leg above water. It was… a fish? No, a mushroom? A fish in the shape of a mushroom?

An aquatic mushroom?

"Para-Medic, I want to kill you right now, but tell me what this THING IS!" Snake yelled in his radio. Of course! No response.

Suddenly, one of the mushrooms on the ledge slowly curled and bent. It bared long, razor sharp teeth and attempted to bite his fingers. Snake whipped his hand off of the ledge and used his knife to stab the mushroom fish on his leg. There were, no doubt, other strange and naturally wrong fungifish in the water. He could feel them swarming like piranhas. He waded faster and faster. The walls around the tunnel seemed to get smaller around Snake as he proceeded. That's because they were. As the tunnel grew smaller, the ledges and mushrooms grew closer. And the fish were right on his tail. Walls… closer, closer, smaller, smaller. Mushrooms… dangerous.

And it became all the more dangerous when the path resulted in a dead end. A waterfall sprayed into his face. Daylight teased his eyes. Just up there… Up that ToothyMushroom wall. If he wasn't eaten on the way up, the fish would get him. Speaking of which, they were right behind him.

"Snake, darn you, why'd you have to go and die?" Major Zero rambled.

"Okay, Major, you're getting carried away now." Sigint was happy he got him on his side, but he was taking it beyond need.

"No, I need to vent this out! I am indeed mad at Snake, don't I have the right to be?"

"To a point."

"You know… he was one of our best agents, right?"

"Right."

"But he had no real enthusiasm, or honor to show for it. Right? Always frowning all the time."

"Mmm hmm."

"So for all we know, he could have been a double agent! Or… or a triple agent!"

"Any of us could be a secret agent, sir! Just shut up and get on with the next plan!" Sigint was annoyed now and started to talk again, but Snake didn't hear the rest of what he said. Double, Triple agent? Him? Snake? HOW DARE HE. How _dare _the Major call him that!

Fury now drove Snake up the wall, from slippery ledge to ledge like a natural spelunker. The mushrooms bent down to bite at him, but he was all too fast, moving onto the next ledge. The water drenched him through completely, and added so much pressure and weight to his climb. Die? Like this? A so-called double/triple agent? Snake didn't think so.

Ledge, mushroom, fingers, climb, waterfall, daylight.

He made it. With a final heave, he scrambled up the cliff and into flooding daylight. No more mushrooms. No more danger. No more sand-ruined radio. Just Snake breathing heavily on his back. After taking a deep breath from the climb, he adjusted the frequency on the new radio until he found the Major's voice.

"AND furthermore, Snake is a-"

"Ahem." Snake cleared his throat.

"Ohhhh…" The Major said with more regret than surprise.

"Triple agent?"

"You heard th-"

"Nuclear war?"

"I wasn't really gonn-"

"Jerk?"

"Yeah. Yeah I am. Hum. Please proceed with the mission with all haste."

"Major."

"Yeah?"

"Shut it."

"K."


End file.
